Friday, September 3, 2010

How to Hold Your Man

A few million years ago our great, great…grandparents invented chiropractic. Within a generation or so, our knuckles barely dragged the ground.

But walking upright tilted our pelvises, so our babies stayed in the womb longer and grew big heads with more brain capacity. Elvis Presley tried to reverse this trend in the 1950’s by swaying his hips all over the place, but even lyrics like “you ain’t nuthin’ but a houn’ dog” couldn’t reverse all those eons of evolution.

As mothers learned to keep their babies at home longer, they didn’t have much time for gathering nuts and berries, let alone joining the men to hunt for new furs. Before they preferred men that would come and go. But with dependent infants to feed they began to select mates that help with the care and feeding. So they began devising strategies to hold men around the cave a bit longer—at least until college tuition got paid.

We must have been nomadic in those times, because most of the strategies revolved around travel.

One strategy was the hunting trip. The women of the tribe sent their mates off to stake out distant watering holes where they could find bigger game. Some traces of this masculine behavior remain until the present day, but most men only get as far as some watering hole known as Joe’s Bar.

Women that wanted more quality time with the family created the road trip. But that strategy was flawed by the lack of back seats and computer games to keep the children occupied during the journey.

The greatest breakthrough came when wise women created the guilt trip. One certain way to get a man back home with groceries and dead animal skins was to induce the men to shame one another. This tactic worked wonders with men that wanted to look good in the eyes of the community. But some guys walked in single file so long that they developed an inordinate affection for the backsides of their buddies. Politicians worldwide are still sorting through that conundrum.

The jealousy trip also worked wonders. Absence didn’t make the heart grow fonder, but it did make the rod grow harder. Men returned from even the briefest of jaunts with 300% more sperm. They got back even quicker when they realized that their best friend Bob had decided to skip dear season that year and hang around at the base camp with the wives.

The cleverest of the women designed the head trip—a method of debate with no aim, no rhyme, and no reason. Men couldn’t resist the argument, so they rushed home to participate in the next round. But the guys could never win the arguments because they were mentally restricted by a powerful need to make sense.

Men that couldn’t or wouldn’t hunt often remained in the settlements with the women. Those guys evolved into lawyers and priests so they could help the girls design ever more elaborate schemes. Their collaboration brought us the religious trip, the marriage trip—also known as the honeymoon—and the divorce trip.

These games worked fine for centuries, until they were dissolved by the acid trip in the 60’s. Also known as the hallucinogenic trip, this particular journey gave women the illusion they didn’t need a man, and gave men the feeling that they were golden gods.

Today we face all new relationship challenges because Facebook, Match.com, and Internet pornography require the use of complicated machines. SKYPE sex has replaced psychic sex and phone sex, but video liaisons require hotspots where men and women can connect naked. So few modern relationships last very long.

But if your primordial brain and your medieval heart are still determined to capture and contain one man to have and hold as your very own, you might have to invent some new trips to pull his interest away from those video games and Internet babes.

Fortunately one thing has remained steady and stable throughout the history of husbandry. The way to a man’s heart has never been through his stomach. So if you can’t afford that marvelous Sharpe’ puppy and are willing to settle for a man, you can capture his attention and hold his interest by just aiming a little lower.

Remember: When a woman isn’t frigid, her man is always rigid. And what man wants to go outside with that bulge in his Bermudas?

Perhaps your only problem is that you are Miss Informed because you have been told that a good man is hard to find. It’s closer to the truth that a hard man is good to find.

As a professional coach I often recommend a new holding strategy based on a black leather couch and a really large flat screen TV. You might find football season exasperating, but you will always know exactly where to find your man.